Bali. “Yes, please, read my blog, I give you good price, yes”

Pictures of the Balinese trip:

BALI PICTURE BOOK: https://picasaweb.google.com/anna.szczogryn/WavesAndMoreInBali?authkey=Gv1sRgCJ7Wn5Lh4_jkAQ&feat=email

thank you Anna for the amazing photography skills and for making good use of a high speed internet connection.

Nusa Lembongan, Lembongan island. 15.00, 6^th of June 2012, 700 hundred degrees Celsius. I am baking at a slow and steady speed. The fan is on full blast as I attempt to prevent my brain from turning into a stew. Let us start where I last left you.

I landed in Bali on the 3^rd of May. Disembarked the plane amongst numerous loud Aussies on vacation and almost instantly melted upon exiting the airport. It was good to be somewhere tropical again. It was even better to have Anna waiting for me on the other side. And immediately the fun begins, a million taxi drivers roam the sidewalk searching for their next victim. We haggle for a better price, don't really get it and proceed to drive through some pretty intense traffic to Kerobokan a “serene” Balinese “village” that is half way between the delirium of Kuta and the growing surfer town of Canggu. We arrive at Puri Dukuh, a lovely homestay (b&b) run by Linda, an Aussie expat. She gives us a warm welcome and helps us find our bearings in the circus of South Bali.

Some interesting facts about Bali. Bali is one of the mostly densely populated places on earth and traffic to match. Think rush hour Milan ring roads mixed with Trujillo, Sao Paulo and Beijing and replace 3/4 of the cars with scooters and motorbikes. If you cannot imagine that, just take my word for it: CRAZY TRAFFIC!

Anna and I set out to explore the island. No way that I am driving in this mess. Fortunately taxis are relatively inexpensive and at the loss of personal mobility I decide that self preservation is more important.

For many years I associated the image of Bali with quiet, green terraced rice pads and perfect aquamarine waves. Probably the result of watching one too many surf videos. No doubt both can still be found, but you have to first escape the traffic and the full on coastal development of South Bali.

Indonesia is the most populous Muslim nation in the world, however Bali is (officially) 95% Hindu. In the past 20 years many Muslims from neighboring islands have relocated to Bali, however they don't figure in the official census.

The Balinese brand of Hinduism differs slightly from the original one. You see, once upon a time Indonesia was predominantly hindu, however with the arrival of Islam the old ways almost entirely disappeared... almost. The Javanese royal family escaped Java and moved to Bali. With it came artists, traditions and religion. The Javanese mixed with the original people of Bali, rolled the local animistic religious beliefs into a brand new version of Hinduism. Hinduism 2.0?

You see, Bali is also known as the Island of Gods. I think I read somewhere that it is because of the beauty of the island. Maybe so, however I'm pretty sure that it is also due to the fact that religion is omnipresent on the island and that Hinduism has a very high number of deities and lesser Gods. Every house has four temples (4!), more times per day offerings for the Gods are prepared: rice, cookies, coffee, fruit are laid out in the cutest hand made mini-palm leaf-baskets. Incense burning at all hours. The offers are placed on the small temples and in front of doorways. The offerings then get eaten by ants, dogs, cats, pigeons, rats, flies and also they get run over by mopeds, pedestrians, cars and not so sacred cows. Ah, the cows. There are cows in Bali, they are skinny skinny weird looking golden brown cows and they have a sad sad look. You see, they are not as sacred as they would have you believe. Nowadays many Balinese will eat beef and I read that it is usually only the priests and few devotees that don't eat cow. You cannot come to Bali and ignore religion. It is impossible. It is everywhere. The offerings in shops, restaurants, doorways, sidewalks. The ceremonies, the beautiful ceremonial clothes that the women wear, gold and oranges, greens, yellows, pinks. The generally white robes of the men and their turban. Women carry huge baskets full of offerings on their heads. Fruit and drinks. Maybe even a cigarette, apparently the Gods like to take a cigarette break from time to time. Go figure. You will never see an icon depicting the main Gods themselves. There is an empty stone throne on the temples, where I imagine the Gods sit and banquet on the exquisite offerings, that is the only physical reference that you will see to them. However there are plenty of out of this world insane icons of demi-God Hindu figures. Some of the statues on the island are of titanic dimensions, taking up so much space that I am surprised they didn't have to add lights for the landing planes not to hit them. Most have muscular bodies and scary expressions, many hold weapons of some sort (be it super sized swords or gigantic bow and arrow). Some of them are half human, half beast. I would not want to irk a Hindu lesser deity... They have built a pretty impressive, although somewhat surreal cultural park called GWK (Garuda Wisnu Kencana). The park is a mix between disney world and the grand canyon and it feels like a Roman arena crossed with a far west theme park. There are no icons of Indians and Cowboys, on the other hand there are plenty of ENORMOUS statues of the above mentioned mythical beings.

We would spend our mornings hunting waves in Canggu or in Seminyak. I saw Anna catch her first green wave and watched her paddle out in enormous surf in Seminyak. We would then spend our afternoons visiting the numerous beautiful temples dotted around the island. You see, not only does every house have four temples, they have built big temples all over Bali. The island is the product of pretty recent (in geological terms) volcanic activity and if you proceed inland from the coast you go vertical up the side of these awe inspiring volcanic formations. All covered in green tropical vegetation and those breath taking rice paddies that I had associated with Bali before even coming here. The temples are truly something special! Some are set on lakes in the shade of volcanoes, some perched on high cliffs by the roaring ocean and some even built on tiny islands that look like they will not withstand the next big swell!

All temples face Mount Agung (Great Mount), the highest peak on Bali at 3000 meters above sea level. The roofs are artistically adorned with decorative tiles, the shrines are intricately carved out of stone, little figures of daemons guard gates so glorious that you would think they were built by God himself. Offerings everywhere, incense, fine checkered cloth wrapped around the columns and the imposing and ever present Banyan trees (from wikipedia: In Hinduism, the leaf of the banyan tree is said to be the resting place for the God Krishna, who, after consuming all the universe during the time of destruction, absorbs everything created and turns himself to a child as small as he could fit into the tiny leaf of the banyan tree and keeps floating in the void space, until he himself decides to recreate everything back out from him). The priests come and go wrapped in their white robes and sarongs. Some “tactfully” try to extort money from the tourists in exchange for a visit to the sacred ceremonial grounds where pagans are not allowed to enter unless they don't help some holy figures fund the purchase of that sorely needed iPhone apparently (more on this later). Sun burnt tourists take pictures of the temples and look mighty awkward in their sarongs (see pictures of me in one for proof). Despite the presence of the tourists and the touts there is something esthetically pleasing in these temples. Almost all buildings in Bali are esthetically pleasing (with notable exceptions mentioned later), Linda tells me that it is the religion that requires people to build homes in a certain way. A house must therefore fulfill certain parameters, no matter how much money you have, the positive by-product of this is that the buildings generally look pretty.

We went to the Bukit peninsula on the Southern most tip of Bali, here we visited Padang Padang Uluwatu and Blangan. Padang Padang and Uluwatu are small tiny beaches, famous for their surfing. In Uluwatu, the dramatic cliffs vertically drop into the sea and the small warungs (food stalls) overlook the giant breakers that travel from the roaring forties all the way to the sharp coral reef. The setting is dramatic and to get into the surf you have to walk through an iconic cave after climbing down a maze of stairways. We stood in awe and watched as crazy surfers were pulling into waves that were double overhead and breaking on a sharp and shallow coral reef. In Padang padang you descend what feels like a million stairs go through an even narrower cave and reach a small white sand beach. Balangan is the stuff that dreams are made of: a palm fringed white sand beach with azure water and no major developments in site. Refreshing to see what the beaches in Bali probably looked like before the advent of rampant development.

We visited the Uluwatu temple, perched on the cliffs and populated by cheeky monkeys, the site of the temple is definitely one of the most awe inspiring. Here we also got to watch a very impressive performance of the kecak dance. Balinese have developed numerous complex dance forms, that usually involve the playing of instruments, wearing beautiful, intricate robes. The kecak has the latter, but it does not have any physical musical instruments: men are the instruments, they make “chack chack”sounds (that is how the dance got its name, keh-chack) with their voices. The men sit around in a circle and sing and sway almost in a trance (chack'a chak'a chak'a faster and faster and the slow again and with it they sway left right, forward and backwards). The dancers, wearing heavy make up or scary masks come out and artistically represent some ancient epic Hindu tale. All this framed by the ocean, the temple, the setting sun, the cheeky monkeys, the sunburnt tourists... it is a unique spectacle!

The goods and the bads:

Bali has lots to offer. It has a fascinating culture and incredible traditions are very much alive. It is nice to see how even young teenagers with tattoos and piercings still wear the ceremonial dress and take part in the daily celebrations. The temples are truly architectural gems and the unspoilt landscapes on some parts of the island are a sight to match. The people are generally very friendly, big perfect white smiles (oh, I almost forgot: the Hindus have their teeth filed as a coming of age ceremony... OUCH! But nowadays they apparently only pass the file once, which still cannot be a pleasant experience. This is because it is believed that evil is stored in the uneven teeth... surely western orthodontists agree). Balinese and Indonesian food are good, cheap and relatively varied. Balmy tropical climate, tropical fruits, abundance of fish. The green rice paddies.

On the downside:

mass tourism has definitely landed, with all the associated benefits and drawbacks. Huge coastal developments all over South Bali have spoiled almost all the beaches. The traffic and the air pollution can easily compete with those of the biggest cities in the world, one day it took us 2 and a half hours to drive from Balangan beach to Kerobokan, 25 kms!

The touts in Kuta are probably as bad as they get, a polite “no thank you” does often not suffice, you have to look straight, avoid eye contact and walk rudely past without answering. There is a true gold fever amongst the Balinese and Javanese that have come here for work. I understand that most people are trying to make a living, however there are times where it is carried to the extreme. One of the first days we hired a driver and told him where we wanted to go and made it perfectly clear that we had NO INTEREST in stopping at any shops or restaurants owned by his friends. He kept on insisting and eventually even pulled up at a severely overpriced tourists restaurant that was in the opposite direction of where we wanted to go. The above mentioned scoundrel owned an iPhone, I feel that he couldn't have been that desperate. For every 5 scoundrels like him there is one genuinely nice guy who is not out to scalp you. We fortunately found Made pretty soon and he took us around, with a big Balinese smile.

I almost forgot to mention that the Balinese are not very creative when it comes to naming their children: the traditional Balinese way is to call your first born Wayan, second born, Made, 3^rd Nayoman, 4^th Ketut. What if you have more than one child? You just start from Wayan again...

Now this is convenient if you are a parent that doesn't have much imagination, if you are a visiting foreigner it is just plain confusing as this means that almost everyone you meet will have the same name. Meaning that I have met many many many many Wayans, Mades, Nayomans and Ketuts... The names are for both boys and girls. Boys are desirable because they remain with the family and share their wealth, girls go off to the husbands family and therefore contribute to another family's fortune.

I mentioned that Bali has many interesting traditions, unfortunately this also has some negative side effects. The Balinese still have a caste system, and with each of the four castes a different form of Balinese is spoken, making it very difficult to learn Balinese. On the upside it appears that the cast system does not repress the lower casts in the business environment, so that anyone can make a good living, regardless of the cast of origin. Bahasa Indonesia, the national language of Indonesia is spoken by all and is said to be one of the easiest languages in the world. I in vain attempted to learn it. I eventually had to concede that I should perhaps focus on it another time. I did however buy a phrase book that is completely,utterly useless, but that makes up for the lack of content by offering hilarious dialogues such as:

-Where shall we eat? -Di mana kita akan makan?

-Better at Padang restaurant - Lebih baik di Rumah makan Padang

-All right. Have you some cigarettes? -Baiklah, punya rokokkah anda?

-Yes, I have. Here you're -Ya, saya punya. Inilah.

-I left my cigarettes in the hotel. -Saya punya rokok ketinggalan di hotel

-Are you a heave smoker? -Pecandu rokokkah anda?

-No, I'm not. Will you let me have a light? -Tidak, sudikah anda memberi api.

,Oh, my lighter has no wick. -oh, korek api saya tak ada sumbunya.

-Let's stop here. -Mari berhenti di sini.

And trust me, this isn't even a really good one, but I don't have the patience to seek a better extract at this given moment. I hope you will concur that the 3.5 USD that I spent for this jewel were a sound investment, with infinite comedic value.

Indonesians and Balinese are pretty much all chain smokers. It is sad, very sad and when you try to explain that it is bad for them they laugh. They are always keen to make a buck, however they don't hesitate to squander 15'000 rupiah a day (1.50 USD) on a packet of cigarettes (although I suspect that they smoke more than one pack a day). A local kid wanted me to leave him my surf board for free when I left, however he lost all my sympathy when I saw how much he smokes. I pointed out that it is bad for him. He laughed. Then I asked him how much he smokes. “more than one pack a day”. So I told him, if you stop and save that money for a year you can afford to buy a NICE, brand new surfboard. He shrugged and gave a cheeky smile.

Another issue that deeply upset me was that at some temples the priests seemed more concerned with ripping of tourists to make money than to focus on their ceremonies. What kind of religious man does that? Oh, wait, it has been done in the name of many different Gods across the world for thousands of years, nothing new.

Waste management is a big issue on Bali. Rubbish disposal Balinese style: just chuck it wherever you want. This is a big problem all around the world, but it is more evident in a country where the government does not remove the problem from right in front of your eyes. Hopefully, in the future companies will be forced to sell products with 100% biodegradable materials and education will create awareness of the damage that is done to waterways and ocean.

The big smiles, the complex and intriguing culture, the beautiful landscape, the wild climate still compensate for the over-development of south Bali, the aggressiveness of the touts, the congested traffic and nasty pollution. However if things keep on heading south I fear that Bali would definitely lose its appeal. I hope that the government and the people of Bali take note of the increasing complaints of the visitors and start to take action and revert to what must have undoubtedly been the Island of Gods.

I leave you with the sales technique of the local “businessmen” and “businesswomen”:

Poor tourists wonders along main street.

“Businessman” assesses the wealth of his potential pray by observing him whilst approaching.

BM: “Yes, please”

Tourist thinks to himself “yes please what??!” and makes the mistake of engaging eye contact.

BM: “Yes, please buy T-shirt”

T: “No, thank you”

BM “yes, I give you good price”

T: “no interest, thanks”

BM: “yes please, T-shirt”.

Sometimes the more aggressive one will try to grab the arm of the tourists in order to drag him into the shop. The stalls all sell the same merchandise: tacky or downright vulgar t-shirts, cheap sarongs and dresses, flip flops and tourist paraphernalia of questionable quality and taste.

Sometimes the tourists will be minding his own business, not making eye contact and yet:

BM: “yes, please”

“I give you good price”

Most interesting, but I don't really care for anything that you are selling, therefore it doesn't matter how much you want to charge me for the junk you are advertising... I don't want it, I am not interested and why can you not just sit by your shop, greet the passers by and be nice to them, maybe then people will stop. Or better yet, why don't you diversify your product and sell something that the tourists might actually want.

I do however like this sales technique, because it is already making a positive connection between the product and the potential buyer, “yes, please” is somewhat reassuring, on the long run you hear it a million times and you are almost tempted to think “yes, please, do rip me off and sell me that low quality, Chinese made thingamajig -that will break the moment I walk out of your stall- at four times the price. I should have tried that in my former job: “yes please, buy Greece structured bond, please. I give you good price, yes.”. Just kidding. And with these profound thoughts I leave you and revert to sitting on the beach, shaded by palm trees and drinking coconut water. Yes, please!!!!